So hey – I noticed that it’s been many months since I’ve posted anything. My apologies. I think I started about twenty posts since the last one. I’ve been busy facing fears, taking risks, and trying to jump headlong into life with a more open outlook. Honestly, it’s not as easy or as fun as it sounds. It’s scary stuff — especially since I’ve been loathe to face my fears, and never mind taking a risk.
As part of the Expedition Self team, I’ve been doing a ton of growth work over the past nine months. I can’t believe how fast time has flown while doing this work (along with the Content Manager stuff). One of the nice things about this – I am finally starting to see a change in me. I had hoped to write and publish about this part of my journey long before now (see the twenty post comment above), but to be honest, some of it was just too hard to share. I promise to do better in the future.
It’s extremely painful looking at why you are the way you are. It’s even harder staring things down or acknowledging and being with memories of the past, when your first inclination is to run. It’s particularly difficult to allow yourself to feel when you’ve spent a lifetime trying everything in your power not to. I have played the victim for most of my life (didn’t realize that, but it’s true), and now I’m more apt to be responsible for what I say and do. I still fall into the old traps, but at least I’m more aware when I do it. The only way to grow and move forward is to work with those things that you’ve spent a life time hiding from. I still have a lot of trouble with this, but at least I’m a bit less resistant now.
Something that came out of the growth work was a regret that I’ve held on to for over twenty years. I never finished college and it has always bugged me. It was always one thing or another, but when you boil it all down, * I * kept me from finishing. Not work, not the Mr, not anything else, me. (Thank you, Suzy & Sam for helping me to understand this). I started school last week. I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. Ask me about the fear I had to face down and the risk I took to get into this school. It was a doozy, but I had help getting through it. (Thank you, Elizabeth Syben King). I plan to write about what it’s like returning to school after all these years. Oh, and this time, I will graduate.
As we all know, last year was a rough one. While the Mr was recuperating, I didn’t take care of myself like I typically do. Let’s just say, I carried it over to this year. To be clear — this is on me, not him. I’ve taken action to fix that. I’m eating the way I should and I’ve returned to Crossfit. It’s been two weeks since I’ve done both, and I already look and feel better. I have a completely different mindset about doing Crossfit now, than when I did it two years ago. I’ll keep you posted about my progress. (I’m still holding out for that one, unassisted, straight-up, pull-up!)
By the way, the continued growth work, going back to school, and taking care of myself, is not about starting over. I think you can start fresh with new goals, outlooks, paths to follow, etc., at any point in your life. And that’s where I am now.
(p.s. I’ve changed the look of my blog…yet again. Please let me know if something is missing or not working.)
Photo credit: The Silver Bunny