Finding the peace and joy…

I’m on a quest to find the peace and joy within. Could it get any more difficult? My dearest friend (the metaphysical one) has such peace and joy in her life. It just emanates from her. I’m trying, with her help, to get the same. I’m not an experienced meditator (is that a word?) at all. Matter of fact, I’m so inexperienced; I can’t sit still long enough to quiet the thoughts in my head. Too many distractions… of my own making I’m sure. She gave me a fabulous CD of Buddhist Chants – absolutely amazing. I downloaded it to my IPod one night and I listened to it. Brought me to tears it was so beautiful. I didn’t get much meditating done that evening, although it did give me a wonderful appreciation of the chants.

There are rituals that are attendant to meditation, everyone has their own. Whether it be chanting out loud (OM), or chanting silently, lighting incense to help quiet your mind or lighting candles, sitting in a group or out in a field, there is a practice for everyone. Well, not me…yet. I can’t get with the out loud chanting – I feel silly in a room by myself chanting (I keep looking over my shoulder to see if anyone is watching), and chanting silently just allows the “chatter” in my head to take over. The incense smells wonderful but doesn’t transport me anywhere and the candles, well, they’re mighty romantic, which rather defeats the purpose of the meditation! Oh for heavens sake, how hard could this possibly be?

The path to peace and joy should be an easier exercise, but learning how to turn the ego off and allowing the spiritual self to take over is not easy, at all. Finding the love within is a struggle for me. I think its all about control, or the lack thereof. I like being in control of my emotions. It’s safer (for me) to do that. Letting the ego go and going within requires me to let my emotions take over, in order to heal… to find that peace and joy. There is a lesson here – one of forgiveness, of love and letting go. I know I’m ready to learn, but old habits die hard. I wonder why that is. Is it because I’ve been doing it for so long, protecting my inner self for so long, that to let it go now would mean giving up — what? See, that’s the thing. What would I be giving up to achieve my peace and joy? What on earth am I holding onto that the thought of meditating just threatens me so? Ah…that’s part of the quest I’m sure. That’s the part that will be the hardest for me to learn – I truly believe that. This is going to be some journey.

From my dear friend this morning…she sends me a message everyday and this is so apropos to our discussions lately:

“Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.”

~Golda Meir

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